Dear University Students,

Hi there, it’s your friendly neighbourhood library worker here to teach you a few things about the library. Okay? Are you ready? Don’t freak out just because I’m teaching you something without charging you thousands of dollars first. It’s just the kind of service we provide around here.
We’ll start out with the staplers. They come to mind first because they’re right next to where I sit for a good portion of my day. You’re free to use them whenever you like and please, let me know if they’re jammed or empty, I’ll fix the problem. But you know what I hate? What drives me up the fucking wall? Is when you come up and wail on the fucking thing like you’re trying to drive the staple through the fucking counter. Here’s a tip – steady, even pressure will make the stapler work better. Beating the ever loving shit out of the thing breaks it, which is seriously counter-productive.

That brings me to the three hole punch. I know the thing is in another room of the library so you’re not under anyone’s direct supervision. But I can hear you asshole hammering away on the fucking thing clear across the building. It’s the same basic principal as the stapler, hitting it breaks it. And if the goddamned thing won’t punch through the forty odd pages you’ve stuffed in there, try punching them in smaller batches. How fucking hard is this, really!? (On a side note, to the stupid bitch who came to complain about the punch – yeah, we would be idiots for keeping a broken hole punch out for people. But we don’t. We keep a working one and you assholes keep breaking it. Fuck you.)

As for the books. They are all kept in order ,the university library uses the “library of congress” filing system. They offer a class on how to use the system and if you haven’t discovered Wikipedia yet, let me be the first to welcome you to 2009. Figure it out. The call number is listed in the online catalogue and everything goes by numerical and alphabetical order. It’s really not that fucking hard. Time to put on your big kid pants and do shit for yourself.

Stop coming to me at the desk and asking me stupid ass questions. Stop acting like you need me to hold your hand through every single thing you do. You’re in university for christ sake. Grow the fuck up! And if you really don’t know and I show you once, don’t come and ask me the same stupid question the very next day. I’m not your mother, your nurse-maid or your fucking baby-sitter. 

If you keep coming and bothering me with this shit, I’m going to have to start hitting people.

Always, 

-Gwenhwyfar

Dear Work Bitch,

I need you to do me a favour. I know I haven’t known you all that long and I know I seem a pleasant enough sort to work with but the fact of the matter is that this might all have to change if you can’t do me this one tiny favour.
You ready?
I need you to shut the fuck up, okay?
Seriously, the sound of your voice it starting to make me violent and I hear it a lot. Between just the basic sound of your voice and your overly dramatic way of speaking, the way you always open your mouth wider than in necessary and the way EVERYTHING is punctuated with the most ridiculously huge “jazz hands” like movements, you’re quickly becoming a giant thorn in my side.
And there are a few other points I need to make well I’m on the subject.
First, not everything that happens to you is some world ending crisis. Even if it were, chances are I still wouldn’t care. So, really, I don’t need to hear about it. Especially not at the length you go on about it. A whole day spent talking about how they changed the parking signs outside? Really? Shut the fuck up.
Second, Not everyone is out to get you. At fist I thought maybe you were just kidding or being dramatic for effect. Now I realize that you are just a paranoid freak who thinks the whole world is out to get them. For the love of all things unholy, you’re NOT that interesting or special. No one gives a rats ass about you.
Third, as much as I hate to say it, I’m REALLY starting to think that you’re nothing more than a fucking racist. I’ve watched you carefully since I first became suspicious and I’ve watched the way you treat people. Everyone you have a problem with seems to be not white. People with an accent seem to irk something deep inside you that just amps up your normally rude demeanor. You want to know why that one chick hates you and likes me? Because I like her and I treat her with respect. You’re a bitch. See the difference? Yeah.
Fourth, you want to complain about me being condescending? Have you ever spoken to anyone WITHOUT being condescending? Really? Because I fucking doubt it.
Fifth, yes, you do have an easy life. I’ve heard you speak about it, at length. You’re a fucking princess. Accept it and move on. Stop whining about how hard you have it. You have no idea what pain and hardship is like. Truly, very few people in this country know and we should all be thankful for it. Now stop pissing and moaning about every little thing.
And finally, I’m not carrying you any more. Start pulling your own fucking weight or I’m going to keep being a bitch and pointing out that maybe you should try working a little. I don’t know, it’s just something I do.
Yeah, I’m a big mean bitch. What? Are you gonna cry?
Fuck you.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar.

Dear Freak,

It’s taken me a while to even begin to wrap my head around exactly how disgusted I am with you. Honestly, I still can’t quite do it. There is just so much about what you talked about that was wrong. But I suppose I have to start somewhere, don’t I?
Pedophiles. This is a word I want you to say and I want you to say it right now. I want you to keep on saying it until it sticks. Why? Because the term “youth attracted” you are so very fond of makes me want to vomit.
Since hearing you using the term I’ve repeated it to several people, including a friend who is a police officer. None of them have ever heard the term before and all of them were disgusted by it. Do you know why? It’s because trying to sugar-coat something so vile and disgusting is beneath contempt. Trying to sell it to people as anything less than the heart-breaking and soul crushing act that it is is just too awful to contemplate.
Next, no, I do not believe that the age of consent should be lowered. I can see that you are adamant in your belief that it should, but then you also believe that pedophiles should be called “youth attracted” and have our sympathies for being such societal outcasts. So I’m afraid your opinion doesn’t carry a lot of weight. I’m also sure that you really do believe that you were “sexually aware” at twelve. Personally, it sounds more like you were taken advantage of by someone who should be flogged in the streets but to each their own.
However, even if I were to go so far and agree that, yes, you were sexually aware at twelve, I still wouldn’t agree. Not everyone is so far advanced as, clearly, you were and to open up the door to pedophiles based on your personal experiences seems like the most unbelievably stupid and irresponsible idea I’ve ever come across.
Finally, the idea that you are in any way associated with the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, Transexual, Asexual community turns my stomach. In a world where same sex couples are still seen by so many as sexual deviants and perverts, where they are still fighting for rights and respect, the last thing anyone needs is to be in any way associated with pedophiles.
Just let me close in saying, I would like very much for you to never come near me again. By which I mean, if you ever come near me again I will have to hurt you. You’re a sick twisted fuck that makes even the likes of me seem painfully normal in comparison. What’s worse is you’re trying to defend people even worse than you.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

Dear Actors,

Specifically the guys, I need you all to start doing me a huge favour. I know it’s probably a lot to ask, but trust me, it’s more for your benifit than mine.
I need you to stop getting face lifts. Okay?
Listen, I know aging hits us all. I know sometimes you sit and wish you looked a few years younger. I can see the appeal. But don’t do it. Please. You’ll end up looking like a freak and an idiot.
The internet is merciless with these kinds of things and your fans are no better. I hate to admit that, but for the most part it’s true. Most people who love you will love to see you make an ass of yourself just as much. And they aren’t laughing with you, believe me.
Take a look at Mickey Rourke (only if you have to… it’s not pleasant) or Kenny Rogers. Hell, take a look at Billy Bob Thornton. They look awful. Worse than awful. They look freakish. If nothing else, they don’t look like them any more.
And that’s the big thing, isn’t it? You’re sold on being you and if you don’t look anything like you any more, who’s going to buy? We’ve all seen what you look like and if you’re rich and famous we must like it, right? So who are you fooling trying to turn back the clock? No one.
So please, for the love of Groucho, stay away from the plastic surgeon. You’ll thank me later.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

Dear Deadwood,

I know you’re not even making new episodes any more but I’ve only just started watching your show. I don’t know why it took me so long to get around to you. I think it probably just got buried in a pile of other shows I really wanted to watch and I’ve finally managed to dig through some of it. At any rate, here I am.
I’ve gotten through season one alright. I mean, there were parts I really wasn’t too excited about but I watched the whole thing, which should say something. I don’t HATE you, obviously. It’s just… well, I don’t really know how to feel. That’s what’s got me a little worried. My own indifference.
The biggest warning sign is the fact that it took me the better part of the first season to learn everyone’s names. As bad as I am with names in real life, oddly enough I’m usually really good with character names. But even now I really have to think about it to remember what half of the names are. Hell, Bullock is one of the main characters and half the time I can’t remember what to call him and I actually had to stop and think about it to remember Sol (and he’s really cute, I should be able to remember the cute guy’s name).
Then there’s the killing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all up for some old fashioned murder and mayhem, but I’m having a bitch of a time making a connection with any of the characters or developing an interest in anyone when all my favourite characters wind up in the ground. You know what I mean? It’s a good thing the camp needs a doc because I love Doc Cochran more than anyone and if he goes I might just give up on you for good. (Actually, now that’s got me worried. Damn.)
What it comes down to is this – I’m trying to like you here. Really I am. There’s a lot of good in you. I can see it. There’s a lot of talent that’s impossible to miss. But you need to give a little too. Okay? I can’t be the only one putting in an effort here. It just doesn’t work that way.
So how about it? Can we work on this together?

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

Dear Creepy Security Guy,

How’s it going? Good?
Listen, I think we need to talk. Especially after last night. I know I don’t see you around often which is partly because you work days and I work nights but mostly because you are a fucking creepy weirdo. But there are these rare occations when I bump in to you and let me tell you, it’s damned unpleasant.
You have a really unfortunate habit of staring at people. This needs to stop. Especially when they’re eating. Seriously. What the fuck is your problem? This, I’m even going to extend to your habit of just staring at anything. Like standing in front of the door and staring at the courtyard for twenty or thirty minutes at a time. Or standing at the top of the stairs and staring down in to childrens. You’re scaring people. Stop it.
You also lurk, which is entirely too creepy. You lurk in hallways and stairwells and around corners. Just stop it. It’s fucking weird, goddamnit. Stop fucking pacing and sneaking and whatever the hell else you’re doing. It’s freaking everyone out.
Then there’s the crazy eyes. What the fuck is that about? It’s bad enough that you sneak around and stare at everyone, but wipe that crazy ass look off your face. Jesus, man. And what exactly are you doing when you stand there looking like a lone gunman pressing your finger to your eyebrow? I don’t even know what that’s supposed to be. Stop it, you freak.
Lastly and most importantly, there’s something I need you to remember from now on, okay? My chair is OFF LIMITS. My chair happens to be behind MY DESK and MY CASH REGISTER. it’s where I keep my stuff and a bunch of stuff that is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. Stay the fuck out of there. That area is NOT for you, EVER. Understood? I don’t fucking care if you didn’t take anything, I don’t care if you think it’s funny. That space is not for you. Even if it wasn’t, you fucking STINK and your fat ass left a smell that hung on all fucking night.
I don’t even intend to threaten you personally beyond this. If this shit continues or I ever catch you sitting in my chair again, I will be going directly to your supervisor. Clear?

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

Dear Guys,

Listen, I’m a big girl and some of you seem to have forgotten that. So I’m here to remind you. I know sometimes it doesn’t seem like it but I am fully capable of taking care of myself. In fact, I’ve been doing just that for years.
I’m not saying I don’t need a hand now and then and that I don’t need your help at all. I’m just saying that I’m not a child or your kid sister or whatever. I don’t need you to protect me all the time. I don’t need you to keep telling me what might go wrong and why I should bother because it won’t work. So stop it, it’s fucking annoying.
Trust me, as someone who’s known me my whole life I can say with complete confidence that I would rather learn the hard way. I’ve never been someone who takes the easy way out or is afraid of falling of my ass once and a while. I like to experience things for myself. I love a challenge. I learn better by doing and failing. It’s just the way I am.
I’m also the kind of person who asks for oppinions, especially from people I trust and respect. But if I ask for you oppinion, don’t expect me to go by what you’ve said. I’m open to taking suggestions, but I reserve the right to not follow them. And just because you say something and I happen to do it, it in no way means I’m doing it because you said so. Chances are I had been planning to do it and you were just one voice in a chorus that helped me make up my mind. Try not to take it personally. It’s just really rare that anyone tells me to do anything that I think “yeah, I should do just that because you said so, oh wise one.”
But I don’t want to fight about this. I’m not even mad. I just wanted you to know that this is the way it is and you seemed confused by it all. I know that’s partially my fault so I’m here to rectify it. Just try to understand, okay? That’s all I ask.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

Dear Time,

I know this is a bit odd as I’m sure you don’t get a lot of mail. But the truth is I do spend quite a lot of time thinking about you. Actually a lot of people do. I guess we just tend to take you for granted. Maybe that’s why it’s come to this. Me writing you a letter.
It’s just this last year, you see. It seems like you were forever running away. I spent most of the year wishing you were around more, but you were always off and running, way ahead of me. Well, now that I think about it, way ahead of everyone.
So what happened? Was is something I said? Was it some kind of lesson you were teaching us for taking you for granted? I’m starting to think that’s it. We’ve taken you for granted and hurt your feelings. I know I can’t claim innocense, either. I’m just as bad as everyone else.
Well let me say I’m sorry. If this last year has taught me anything it’s that you can’t take time for granted. This last year was gone before it had really got going. I found myself ringing in the new year while I still felt like it should be six months away. No matter what I did, I was constantly aware of how little time I had.
So could we maybe try to patch things up? Because last year sucked. A lot. And I really would like this year to be a whole lot better. That means I would really like for you to hang around more this year. Slow down, take it easy, don’t be in such a rush. Could we do that? I promise I won’t take you for granted.
Thanks!

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

Dear Mailman,

I know, it’s weird, sending a letter to the mailman. But at the same time, it is appropriate, no? Especially after all the little notes you’ve taken the time to pen for me.
You remember those, right? The notes complaining about the snow. The notes complaining about my lilacs. The notes. The ones that had me out hacking chunks out of my beautiful lilac bushes and getting yet another lung infection. Yeah, those ones.
That’s how you want to play? Fine. Now it’s your turn.
I’m sure, unlike most people around here, you noticed that the fence dividing my yard from my neighbours was removed earlier this year. I’m sure it also hasn’t escaped your hawk-like eyes that my yard does not have a path running from the main walk over to my neighbours walk. That’s mostly because, as I said, there used to be a fucking fence there.
Oh wait, I think I’m taking for granted that you noticed that last bit, aren’t I? Yeah. Because now that it has snowed I can see it must have.
How do I know that?
It was probably the foot prints cutting across my fucking lawn between my house and my neighbours that tipped me off.
Now correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re not really allowed to do that are you? And just because the fence is gone doesn’t mean that you should take it as a formal fucking invitation to start cutting across my grass which, by the way, you’re fucking killing by trampling all over it while it’s fucking frozen. Oh and those notes about there being snow on my walk, well you can shove those right up your self-righteous ass from now on, you fuck. You’ve shown me, without a fucking doubt that you’re perfectly capable of facing the terrible dangers of the snow by tromping through it just to cut a few steps off you’re day. I even took the trouble to shovel just to see if you’d stick to the path if it was completely clear. But no, through the snow you went. Right?
Yeah. That’s right. Fuck you, you fuck. Fuck you and your fucking notes. Fuck you and your pansy fucking attitude. Fuck you and your “rain nor sleet nor snow…” bullshit. Fuck you and your landscaping nazi bullshit. Fuck you.
I’m calling and putting in a complaint and you want to know the funny thing? If you hadn’t been such a limp dick, douche bag, asshole, I wouldn’t be calling. I wouldn’t even be writing this. You know why? Because I don’t care if you cut across my grass. But I do care that you’ve been acting like a fucking princess for years already. I do care that you’ve wasted a lot of my time. And as stupid as it sounds, I do fucking care that you made me hack up the lilac bushes I’ve been working on getting to come back after having almost all of them die. It’s a load of shit and I’m fucking sick of it.
Maybe someone should have warned you, I’m not a good person to start playing these games with. You see, I don’t like to lose and I’ve got a bit of a temper. It’s not a pleasant combination. Sorry.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar

Dear “New” Facebook,

I feel it’s time I should be more upfront about my feelings toward you. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that I’ve joined a few groups on your site, groups that share my feelings. But I really should have just come to you in the first place. It’s the right thing to do.
You see, I hate you. Not just a little, either. I hate you a lot. I hate the way you’re trying to be some kind of bastardized MySpace. I hate that you’ve moved everything around in a way that makes it even more confusing. I hate the changes. And I hate them even more because there was no reason for them. The site was doing well, people were happy, everyone loved it. Why change?
I even decided to give it some time. I thought maybe the shock of such big changes was going to wear off and I’d be back to my old self. That I’d be just another hopeless Crackbook addict. But no. No, I’m still hating you.
You’ve gone from Crackbook to Faceplant and for what? The only thing making you almost interesting is switching the language settings to Pirate and even that can only hold my attention for so long.
So now you know. I’m sorry it had to come to this but I had to be honest.

Always,

-Gwenhwyfar